I’m scared of being big.

Growing up, I was the sick one, the youngest sibling, the shy kid. I barely used my voice as a kid and went to speech therapy. I learned to be nice, quiet, respectful and was rewarded for being “good”. I knew the right answers to the questions in school and didn’t question what I was told. I saw what was normal, good even, and didn’t ask for more. Everyone else knew better and I outsourced what was “right” to outside of myself.

I learned that by staying small I got the approval I so desperately wanted because I didn’t feel worthy on my own.

Small meant safe.

But I was silently burning on the inside and felt unsettled in my own skin.

Because we (girls especially) are supposed to be quiet, proper, not desire, good, virtuous, dependent, submissive, selfless, nice, needy, complacent, insecure, cool, soothing… SMALL.

Not confident, passionate, loud, sassy, full of self, independent, sensual, sexual, wealthy, hungry, sure, enough, honest… BIG.

We’re not supposed to be whole, wild, and free.

We’re supposed to be ashamed.

We’re supposed to be powerless.

We’re supposed to be small.

The way we’re kept ashamed, powerless, and small is by thinking we won’t be loved if we’re big.

As humans that are hardwired to belong, the fear of a loss of love can easily override any competing desire.

We all just really want to be loved, goddamnit.

Loss of love vs speaking out and speaking up? We choose love.

Loss of love vs gaining weight? We choose love.

Loss of love vs not staying in the parent-approved career? We choose love.

Loss of love vs being as sexual as you want? We choose love.

Loss of love vs making a heck of a lot of money? We choose love.

We choose this love time and time again but it’s not love, it’s approval.

True love is liberated and unconditional.

And in order to possibly experience true love we have to risk disapproval.

So now, as I start being bigger and bigger; talking about what “shouldn’t” be talked about — unwritten societal rules/norms/expectations that are to be accepted, making money without working a 9-5 job, seeing just how much pleasure I can handle feeling in my body, voicing what I really want when it comes to my house/life/money/men, receiving more without feeling like I “earned” it… it’s totally normal that I would feel afraid.

Because I’ve associated that if I’m big, then I won’t be loved. I learned that they are mutually exclusive. One can’t be big AND loved. …can they?

We don’t really have any models of being big and being loved. The way I see it is that it’s up to us to debunk this mutually exclusive belief so we free ourselves to get what we really want and be who we really are, and our children.

I want us to claim our big-ness and create true love not only for our own lives and aliveness, but so we can model and teach the next generation that freedom, expression, and love is more important than control, security, and approval.

I want my kids, if I have any, to know that they can be as big as they want — rock their own 5/6/7/8 figure dream business, come up with a cure for cancer, create revolutionary public policy, looooooove their body, have mindblowing sex, not settle in any romantic relationship, publish a bestselling book, decorate their house exactly the way they want, drive their dream car, say no to others and yes to themselves, do something with their million-dollar idea, enjoy the piece of cake with a guttural “mmmmm”, create unheld-back art, tell their story and truth — AND be fully loved.

Can you imagine how freeing humans to be big will feel and impact the world? I sure can.

Staying small limits us all.

That’s why I’m putting together a new free workbook/guide with (tentatively) 5 sneaky things that are stopping you from what you want + 5 ways to start getting what you really want. If there’s anything you want me to answer or talk specifically about in it, let me know here and make sure you get my emails to get the new free workbook/guide! And if you can’t wait, want more, and are curious about what one-on-one coaching with me would be like, book a Connection Call with me here.

It’s totally normal if you’re afraid of being big, afraid of true love, afraid of getting what you really want, like me. The world may want us to stay small, but let’s choose to be as big and fully loved as we were meant to be. They are no longer mutually exclusive if we don’t believe they have to be.

Let’s bust the mutually exclusive myth that we can’t be big AND loved.

Deanne