So many times in my life I’ve been afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing that I don’t say/do anything at all. I take time. But sometimes showing up imperfect and making mistakes does more progress than perfection that’ll never come.

I want to talk about racism and Black Lives Matter.

My fear of saying something wrong does not compare to the fear Black people feel around the world.

My discomfort talking about this does not compare to the discomfort Black people feel living every day.

My risk of reputation does not compare to the risk Black people have of dying.

This is where I am after this past week:

I’m watching. I’m listening.

Once I see, I can’t unsee.

I’m privileged.

I’m ignorant.

I’m deeply uncomfortable.

I want to be “good”.

It’s not about me.

I can talk about things like the patriarchy, feminism, bodies, healthcare, pleasure and sex, workplace structures — it feels edgy and sexy — but talking about race, colour, privilege feels untouchable, emotionally charged, and too tense.

I learned racism was “bad” when I was young so for my whole life I never wanted to go there.

I don’t know. I will never know as a white woman.

I don’t want anything I do to be performative, virtue signaling, centering, but realize that’s likely impossible at this point.

I will probably look back on this in the future and shake my head.

I need to make more mistakes and I might not ever get it right in my lifetime.

I am engaging and open to all forms of education.

I apologize now, knowing it’s never enough and won’t fix anything, and I will say sorry countless more times.

I will fuck up.

I want to try.

I want to learn and unlearn.

There is a difference between not being racist and being anti-racist.

I’m leaning in as best I can right now, albeit late and after being complacent.

I want to be a good, kind, thoughtful person and I feel ashamed, guilty, embarrassed it took me this long to start seeing this fully. (Thank you Brandon K Good for this connection from your “To my white friends: guilt, shame, embarrassment” video)

I’m only as aware and active as I am and I take responsibility to do better.

As Brené Brown says, “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment.” It breeds fear, blame, and disconnect while empathy — the antidote to shame — builds connection, compassion, and courage.

And oppression benefits from shame.

But when it comes to silence and oppression, Andréa Ranae says,

“Silence is not violence. Silence is a decision. Every decision comes with consequences.

Consequence: the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier

Consequences are not inherently bad or good, they just are.

A consequence of silence might be that you get to rest or reconnect with what’s true for you.

A consequence of silence might be that violence continues on without intervention.

A consequence of silence might be that you’ve made space to listen to the unheard.

A consequence of silence might be that other people assume you’re doing nothing.

A consequence of silence might be that the rest of us may never get to experience what you have to contribute to the world.

Whatever decision you make in any moment comes with consequences and you are responsible for those. Meaning you are able to respond as you see fit. If the consequences you’re experiencing are not getting you what you want, you can always make a different decision. “Silence is violence” often comes with a binary of right and wrong and an accusation of “if you’re silent, you are wrong.” White supremacy thrives off these rigid binaries and absolute truths without space for complexity.

Silence is a decision. You get to decide when and how you use silence. Only you can discern whether that decision is aligned with your integrity. Only you can discern whether the consequences you’re seeing/experiencing from that decision is what you want or if you need to pivot.”

I choose to not be silent in this way, right now, to highlight a framework I learned.

A dear friend shared Barbara J. Love’s Liberatory Consciousness Framework which is “used to maintain an awareness of the dynamics of oppression characterizing society without giving in to despair and hopelessness about that condition and enabling us practice intentionality about changing systems of oppression.”

Developing liberatory consciousness comes in 4 steps;

1. AWARENESS: notice what’s happening

2. ANALYSIS: analyze what’s happening from the stance of awareness along with possibilities of action

3. ACTING: deciding on the base of that analysis what needs to be done and seeing to it that action is accomplished

4. ACCOUNTABILITY/ALLY-SHIP: individuals accept accountability to self and community for the consequences of the action that has been taken or not taken

Social media and the online world is a funny thing, an interesting microcosm. But it’s not the only arena to show up; this work needs to happen online and offline. Be where you are, be where you need to be, and be where you are called to be.

Read, listen, watch, educate yourself, sit with the discomfort/pain/shame, amplify Black voices, donate, consider where you buy from and what you support with your money, have difficult conversations, do what’s not convenient, recognize privilege, sign petitions, protest, be outraged, seek out attitudes and views different than your own, follow and pay Black people for their work, see and dismantle systems, show yourself and others compassion and grace, risk, do more, be actively anti-racist.

3 places to begin;

• Rachel Ricketts’ Online “Spiritual Activism” Courses and Anti-Racism Resources
• Rachel Cargle’s The Great Unlearn Resource and Critical Discourse
• Layla F. Saad’s Me and White Supremacy Book

Some videos and posts I have found helpful so far;

• The problem with racism and how it’s so much bigger than conscious hate post
• Anti-racism is one of the things we don’t get to do right, but we get to do it post
• Privilege 101: A quick and dirty guide
• Dear White People video by Emmanuel Acho with close to 6 million views when I wrote this
• To my white friends: guilt, shame, embarrassment video by Brandon K Good
• “I’m aware of my privilege, but I’m tired of the conversation” by Leesa Renée (body talk)
• For white folks: some thoughts on unlearning and what to do when shame comes up post
• Questions I ask myself as a white person when posting about racism on social media post
• Surviving the discomfort about speaking about racism post
• Stop intellectualizing racism post
• Listening to the trauma speakers post
• How to refocus the conversation on what’s important post
• Silence is a decision post
• Anti-racism work is also mental health work post
• How to make this moment a real turning point by Barack Obama
• A revolution has many lanes, keep your foot on the gas post

I’m not here to lead this work. I’m learning. But I am here to do the work. I stand with Black people. I’m always here for the long game.

I write this knowing it can’t make up for the past but to start with this week, so I remember next week and commit to the many weeks to come.

Because if we act unconsciously, systems are perpetuated. But if we consciously see, begin with discomfort, and choose new beliefs, we can change, we can create evolved systems and institutions.

As Barbara J. Love writes, “The participation of all of us provides the best possibility of gaining liberation for any of us.”

Deanne