It's time we talk about that s-word

It’s time we talk about that s-word

You know the s-word.

The one no one wants to talk about.

The one we all cringe at the thought, take a sip of our (preferably alcoholic) drink when someone brings it up, and when you read it below you’re gonna pull a Joe Jonas.

SHAME.

(Ya, that s-word. Gosh, what were you thinking?!)

It’s time we talk about it. Because keeping it a secret is not helping anyone or anything right now.

And if you sit with me and it, I swear there’s freedom, power, and hope on the other side.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Shame is the belief that “I’m wrong, flawed, not enough” and it can drive us to do anything to keep that a secret.

It typically plays out one of two ways;

1. Shame fuels your desire for success + money + seeking others (sex/love) to prove that you’re enough, that your insecurities couldn’t possibly be true, and finally fill your emptiness to feel full. (Spoiler alert: it’s never enough).

2. Because of shame you deny and self-sabotage yourself from having the success and money and love and all you want, because you don’t “deserve” them, you feel an underlying sense of guilt, and if you receive them it’s only a matter of time before someone figures out you’re flawed so it’s wrong for you to have these things.

And sometimes we oscillate between the two…

It’s the shout of shame that tells political and business leaders to sweep things under the rug lest one loses face, money, and/or control.

And it’s the equally strong voice of shame that whispers in our ear telling us that you’re only one person, you couldn’t make a difference, you can’t do anything that matters, no one will love you like that, because underneath it all what it’s really saying is “you don’t matter”.

Shame paralyzes leaders from trying to make change happen out of fear of making a mistake and it keeps “small” people, well, small and from speaking up. It says, “not me” and “who, me?” respectively, while also telling us it’s someone else’s responsibility.

But shame is tricky because it distracts us with clothes, weight, cars, drama, how much money we/he/she makes, that guy, that girl, that movie/TV show/Netflix series in an attempt to not feel shame (and possibly be okay with it) so it can instead blindfold us and put us in the passenger seat while it gleefully drives the car.

It’s discretely insidious, and yet, obviously flamboyant once you see it.

It stops us from feeling and caring.
It stops us from talking about what really matters.
It stops us from believing in better, and doing so.

Shame stops us.

We think shame is what motivates us to be better, but it’s the very thing that holds us back from doing better.

Because shame makes us afraid of showing any vulnerability since it could possibly expose our “not enoughness”… and then we won’t be loved.

It means we can’t make a mistake, can’t create anything different, can’t speak up for change, can’t innovate, can’t question what’s normally accepted, can’t stray from the path, because the risk is too great.

There’s an epidemic, a natural disaster, a social issue, an addiction of shame.

We’ve been suppressing our shame for centuries and, like a beach ball underwater, it can only stay pushed down for so long.

(“We spend our whole lives running from the discomfort of “not enough” that if we just sat with the feeling of hot shame every now and then maybe that heat wouldn’t fuel decisions that are burning the Earth instead.” from my instagram post “The Amazon Rainforest is Burning”, if you’d like to read it.)

And I know shame well because it’s been my secret too.

I’ve spent a lot of years wishing my body was anyone else’s other than my own. It wasn’t fair that I was born with a disease that I never remembered having, yet affected me every day depending on what I ate, and scarred my stomach in a way that’s forever marked me as imperfect.

My potential, my beauty, my worthiness, my power, my ability, my relationships, my love, and my dreams were defined by my body. After struggling silently with two big scars on my stomach my whole life, I thought losing weight would solve all my problems. I would finally be enough. And I would be able to be the woman I’ve always dreamed about being… 30+ pounds lost later and I was more lost than ever before.

It took six more surgeries for the truth needed to come out.

My health issues forced me (kicking and screaming) to redefine my relationship with not only my body, but my shame, and myself… plus what I could do with my life and how worthy of love I am, in this battled body of mine.

I have my surgeries and my scars, while your shame may look a little different. But it tells the same story; “not enough”.

But we know the real secret: the world’s been designed to keep us depressed and ashamed because it’s good for business.

Because if you’re perpetually feeling insecure, inferior, empty, dissatisfied, guilty, THEN you will buy whatever they tell you to, don’t question the norm, don’t “deserve” to get what you want, continually distract/numb yourself, and follow others.

…you feel ashamed, you then separate from yourself and your truth, so then you always seek something outside of yourself to feel like “enough”, and therefore you’re easily manipulated.

Shame subconsciously controls our lives but what it really means is that you can be controlled.

We become afraid, live with our heads, do what we “should” do, and armor up our hearts to stay safe.

But shame only exists when it’s kept a secret.

This is why we need to talk about it. I don’t believe in keeping shame a secret.

By speaking our secrets out loud it means we’re free to feel other feelings, make conscious (read: better) decisions, create our lives the way we want to, and a more right world.

‘Cause the world isn’t going to change by only acknowledging the good.

The only hope we have lies with those who know all parts of themselves, feel the entire spectrum of emotions, and see the whole truth in order to truly liberate and empower us.

So now what, you ask? Trust whatever was stirred in you after reading this and whatever comes up for you. You’ve got all the answers within yourself, friend.

The two things that have helped me the most…

1. Sitting with myself; try setting a timer for 10 minutes — heck, start with 5 or 3 or 2 minutes even — and see what comes up.
2. Speaking my secrets; first in my journal getting honest with myself and then out loud to others (a therapist, coaches, and my inner circle of friends/family).

While shame tries to break us down and break us apart, I’m saying nuh-uh, not anymore, not happening. I may not know your secrets, but I know shame.

I see you, Shame. I thank you, Shame. I love you, Shame.

I believe in all of me, all of you — especially our most unlovable parts — and in us together. And that being more than enough.

Deanne Vincent

Photography

Creating Light Studio