It’s hair in places we shouldn’t have it,

it’s getting grumpy when we get tired and/or hangry,

it’s debt,

it’s coming from a rich family,

it’s trauma (with big Ts and little T’s),

it’s being freakishly smart,

it’s not being smart enough,

it’s not having the suit and tie job,

it’s that 5-500 “extra” lbs,

it’s stealing something as a kid before you really knew what stealing meant,

it’s that thing we did in university,

it’s having a (mental) health challenge,

it’s dressing in non-name brand clothes,

it’s looking through your partner’s phone once,

it’s not making that sports team,

it’s peeing/pooping your pants that one time,

it’s someone breaking up with you.

It’s the secrets we keep, the stories we bury, so we’re enough.

It’s the parts of us that “If only they knew” about then they wouldn’t want you.

It makes us feel bad, wrong, unworthy.

It tells you that you’re not loveable.

It’s shame.

And it’s uncomfortable.

We hide it and hide from it.

For me, for so long, it was my scars.

I kept them a secret my whole life. I wanted to pretend they didn’t exist. (I still sometimes have a hard time showing lovers them.) Growing up I didn’t want anyone to know about the two scars on my stomach that marked me as imperfect. …and therefore wrong, not enough, unworthy, and unloveable.

But the thing about shame is that it gains its hold over you the more silent you stay.

The things you’re ashamed about can be inherent; the scars and stretch marks on your body, the family you were born into, the colour of your skin — which are unchangeable. …so you’re stuck.

Or the things you’re ashamed about can be changed, improved, fixed so you’re finally enough; like your career, your weight, your car, your clothes, your salary… until it’s something else, and something else, , and something else, which means you’re on a hamster wheel of perpetual-never-ending improvement chasing after “shameless” and “worthiness” like a carrot at the end of a stick. …so you’re stuck.

We attach stories to our sense of worth; clauses that hold us back from receiving what we really want.

Shame thwarts the belief that we’re worthy.
Shame keeps us small.
Shame keeps us controllable.

No matter what, society teaches us that we have something to be ashamed about in order to have us buy into a certain way of life, in order to maintain cultural norms, in order to reinforce the current power hierarchies that exist.

Shame impedes us from being loved fully and fully powerful.

In our created society, there are 3 main ways shame keeps us small…

1. Body: acne, scars, weight, hair, health challenges, colour of skin, height, for example.

2. Sex (and relationships): having a lot of partners, having few partners, whether or not you’re in a relationship, someone left/broke up with/didn’t choose you, wanting sex, not wanting sex, wanting anal, not wanting anal, having sex on the first date, having sex after meeting someone at a bar, liking men/women/both/none, the type of genitals you have/don’t have/want, “failed” relationships aka relationships ending/break-ups/divorces, for example.

3. Money: not making enough, being born into money, being poor, having debt, making a lot of it, making it too easily or not earning/working “hard” for it, for example.

But it doesn’t stop there.

The patriarchal/white supremacist/capitalist society we live in reinforces division, one over the other, “perfect”, and either/or thinking to maintain a power hierarchy.

But no matter where you are on this hierarchy, within this society, there’s no winning. (One of those “You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t.” platitudes.)

Shame is a tool of oppression — it supports social control.

If shame exists it limits some, which limits all.

The way it maintains this social control is through our silence. Shame only wins when we stay silent. Shame only keeps us small if we don’t tell our stories.

The secrets we keep, our shame stories, block us from being loved and bury our power.

These power hierarchies want us to stay silent and small so everything stays the same. 

From the tens of deep, honest conversations I’ve had through work over the years, I know we all have secrets, we all have a story, we all have shame. And once people have told me their truths, they could be loved, powerful, big. They were free.

Freeing exercise for you (if you want to try!)

Think of something you keep a secret and try to hide from others (and, ahem, maybe yourself).

Take a moment to step back, zoom out, and see where that idea of shame comes from…

Where did you learn to feel ashamed about _____?

Who benefits when you feel this way?

What would it mean if no one felt shame about _____?

Now, detach from the meaning it’s been given or you’re given it.

Try feeling it as a sensation — with no judgment or stories around it. Set a timer for 3-5 minutes to revel in the visceral feeling of people finding out your secret.

What does it mean?

What will happen?

How would that feel?

Let the big, all-consuming, hot, uncomfortable, bad, wrong, dark, powerful feelings come up. Don’t judge it, don’t make meaning about it, just feel it. You can handle it.

We’re expanding your capacity to feel ALL; the “good” and the “bad”, the “pleasure” and the “pain”, the “dark” and the “light”. We’re here for both and are both.

And then… LOVE that secret. Be as graceful, compassionate, gentle, understanding, fiercely loving to that part of you as you would to a toddler that skinned their knee for the first time and comes running to you with tears running, pain present, arms wide open. Bring it up, bring it out, love it all.

Show your scars (physical, mental, emotional) and kiss them.

Have debt or oodles of money and be wildly loved.

Know about your worst personality traits and history and choose yourself, not regardless or because of, but simply now.

It’s not either/or if you don’t believe it has to be. You can feel/be/have/do both.

We’re afraid to share our secrets because if we were okay with it and loved it, then we would have no shame. And we’re taught to have shame about something, anything, in this world. We know how to be small and loved. But with no shame, you’d be liberated to be big and powerful. …which begs the question; would we be loved?

I want us to rewrite the story that we can be big and powerful AND be loved.

Knowing my own scars and hearing many other’s shame stories, I want you to know that all of you is safe and unconditionally loved with me. You can tell me anything. Because I get it. My story just began when I started telling the story of my scars.

Get your shame out, love all your parts, tell your story, take your power back. No more holding yourself back from being as loved and as powerful as you can, should, deserve, need, and want to be.

Shame is not where your story ends. It’s where your story begins, and how we’ll rewrite our world.

Worthy now,
worthy with your shame stories,
worthy always,

Deanne