While I’ve held off sharing this because I think I’m too sarcastic to be enlightened, too science-y to be spiritual, and too skeptical to be sure of anything… something clicked for me just after New Year’s.

*insert exaggerated wink here*

And it’s this:

There is no good or bad, right or wrong… there just is.

It’s our minds that create stories and meaning.

The only thing that’s wrong with anything is our judgment of it.

Really, who is to say pain/shame/negative emotions/etc are “bad”?

(And please don’t think I’m invalidating your feelings — they’re very real.)

They’re a feeling just like pleasure/enoughness/positive emotions/etc.

I mean, maybe I’m just a masochist, but aren’t we just as alive when we feel pleasure as when we feel pain? Why deny either feeling? Why not dive into both?!

Pain itself is simply a sensation. Like pleasure.*

*“It’s just a different sensation.” Thank you, Michael Scott.

But it’s the stories and judgment of the feeling from our minds that give it meaning. …for better or worse.

As Haruki Murakami said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Suffering happens in our mind.

What if we could revel in the aliveness of both pain and pleasure?

What if we could expand either end of the feeling spectrum and sometimes both ends of the spectrum at one time?

What if we could sink into our capacity to hold, sit, and be with the discomfort of both “good’ and “bad” feelings?

Because we’re often just as uncomfortable with high levels of “good” as we are with high levels of “bad”.

So we try not to feel either to keep us in a comfortable, middle ground and go into our minds.

While you don’t need to suffer to justify your existence, you also don’t need to be ashamed if you feel pain. And you don’t need to have a justification for the feeling of happiness either or be afraid of happiness because it won’t last forever. (Spoiler alert: it won’t.)

Feeling doesn’t happen in our minds.

Yet, we’re conditioned to go about feeling with our minds; thinking there is right and wrong, good and bad, and black and white. But right and wrong, good and bad, and black and white are simply showing us duality. For example, there would be no love without hate — it’s the opposition or contrast that makes both so.

This conditioned thinking, this matrix if you will, plays out with the word “should”.

“I should do this.”
“I should be over this by now.”
“I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“I shouldn’t do x.”
“I should’ve known better.”

Ohhhh, “should”. I know you well.

And this matrix plays off of scarcity, struggle, and wanting approval/control/security, all fed by the thought that you can mess up.

Again, the judgement and stories our minds create.

“Should” tries to keep you safe and “should” thinks there is a perfect because “should” tries to keep you loved without rocking any boats.

But “should” really just keeps you small. And is often not very nice.

Now, I don’t share this so you can then belittle/berate yourself for thinking there’s right and wrong, judging your feelings, or putting pressure on yourself to not mess up. Let’s not go down that hamster wheel of judgment and more stories anymore, friend! Instead, I share out of and for more compassion and consciousness.

The first step to any change, growth, betterment is awareness (and then acceptance).

When I first started becoming aware and accepting, I talked myself through like this:

“Ah, I see you, Mind. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I know you have learned to do this to try and protect me. It’s okay and totally normal that you feel scared when I risk growth/approval/knowing/control. I feel vulnerable and I’m okay. No matter what happens, I know I will be okay. I trust myself. I can’t possibly comprehend/predict/control my life. If you’ll let me be honest with you, Mind, you’re so small and you try so hard. That’s okay. You are limited compared to the moon that cycles around the  Earth, and the Earth that revolves around the Sun, and the Sun that is one of the billions out there in the Universe, so I can let myself become aware with the same presence that’s created life. I can surrender to the unfolding. I don’t have to force anything. I trust that this is happening as it’s meant to and I’m showing up for the ride. I’m open to what’s best for me, my fullest expression, and this human experience.”

…I repeat.

And practicing — because hotDAMN, it’s a practice — awareness has brought never felt before levels of love, trust, compassion, okayness, flow, magnetism, ease, abundance, etc than ever before — for myself, others, and all.

I let myself lean into both the “good” and “bad”.

Fully feel happiness without clinging.

Be mad and throw the tantrum without rationalization.

Let myself cry without trying to skip past it to the relief I know is on the other side of tears.

And I’ve never felt so alive, so whole, with all there is.

“This is the human experience,” I muse to myself with a small smile.

Even though the Mind continually wants to jump in with mistrust, fear, scarcity, guilt, lacking, not deserving, “shouldn’t”, judgment, and wanting to stay small/struggle, life has been a crazy serendipitous and flow-y game lately.

Because I’ve changed how I see and play the game called life.

And an interesting thing has happened — it’s gotten a whole lot more magical in both big and small ways.

Beyond what my mind could ever conceive…

“Awareness is the greatest agent of change.” -Eckhart Tolle

Who knew?!

Now,

I don’t want to preach.
I don’t want to be an expert.
I don’t want to judge.
I don’t want to brag.
I don’t want this to be the next thing you look to answer all your “problems” because you don’t like where you are.
I don’t want to change you.

I share because if you’re in your own head, I know that place well.

It’s a-okay.

I share to help bring about more presence, compassion, and awareness.

And aliveness, fellow human.

But only if you want and are ready for it.

*splays arms open*

Use me.

Take from me what you want.

I am full and I am here to give.

With mad belief in and love for you,

Deanne