The “Then What?” Method

Soooo it’s been a crazy week, eh?

Now, I’m not usually one to write about world events.

a. There are far more informed, intelligent people and organizations than me.

b. There’s so much already out there — who needs another COVID-19 email/post/anything?! — and I try to make sure anything I add is of value.

c. I’d really rather talk about something other than the sky falling.

So instead, I’m sharing what helps me on a personal level and in a practical way in times of fear and uncertainty in case it helps you.

Because if you’re like me, when control, security, and/or approval feels threatened or lacking, you don’t like it. This brings up emotions. But we aren’t taught how to feel our feelings so we suppress them and try to be “rational”.

Enter: The Overthinking Spiral.

(…which, let’s be honest, never really solves anything.)

ALL GOOD, FELLOW HUMAN. ME TOO.

Now, I’m all for the feels AND sometimes I need something more pragmatic to cut through my mind bullshit.

Drumroll please.

The “Then What?” Method.

Basically, when you’re overthinking something/feeling afraid/worried about the unknown, you ask yourself “Then What?” again and again.

You go there.

For an example of how this works, let’s say I’m afraid I might have another tumour.

“Then what?”

So then I have a tumour.

“Then what?”

Then I’ll have to go through all the tests again, get poked and prodded, and have all of the appointments.

“Then what?”

Then it’ll either go away or not.

“Then what?”

Well, if it doesn’t then I’ll eventually have surgery again.

“Then what?”

Then I’ll have surgery.

“Then what?”

Then it’ll suck. And it’ll hurt. And I won’t be able to do all I want to do for a bit.

“Then what?”

Then… I’ll end up getting better.

“Then what?”

Well, then I’ll be okay, I suppose.

THE END.

You can use this when it comes to putting that thing out into the world, asking that person out, health scares, trying something new, anything.

You know you’ve successfully completed the “Then What?” Method when you arrive at the conclusion of either “I’m okay” or “I’m dead”. And dead is okay too.

(I think our general lack of acceptance of death and our vulnerability as humans in an impermanent physical body leads to a lot of our suffering. But that’s a topic (read: rant) for another day.)

So in scary and unknown times, sometimes, I say go there.

Go worst-case scenario; loved ones die, you die, you heart gets broken, the economy tanks, you have zero moneys, institutions crumble, you lose them, they leave you in the rain, you’re alone, injustices and cruelties happen, people make fun of you, you’re rejected, it fails, the human race becomes extinct, etc etc.

Then, dead or okay.

I know this is blunt and seems insensitive.

But tiptoeing around the truth and not seeing/stating the facts often does more damage. We’re so afraid of people’s feelings (including our own) that we hold ourselves back from being honest. And speaking the truth, however imperfectly, always serves.

Got married? So you got married.
Had surgery? So you had surgery.
Someone broke up with you? So someone broke up with you.
Got fired? So you got fired.
Single at 30? So you’re single at 30.
Gained/lost weight? So you gained/lost weight.
Made 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 figures last year? So you made 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 figures last year.

It is what it is.

Any meaning you’ve extracted from any of the above is only because you’ve given it that meaning in your mind.

(For more on making meaning and what matters read “Society is a fight club”.)

And our mind tends to do two things;

1. Judge the shit out of our feelings*; “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” “I should be happy.” “I should be over this.” “I should be more sad” etc, cough should cough, etc. instead of letting our body simply feel the visceral sensations.

2. Create stories about what it means; I’m bad. I deserve this. I don’t deserve this. I did something wrong. I’m wrong. I fucked up/I’m fucked up. I failed. I’m not enough. I’m unworthy. And then ultimately; I’m unlovable.

*These feelings don’t need fixing, they don’t need apologizing for, they don’t need stuffing down, they aren’t wrong. You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for feeling anything. I strive to never deny, belittle, invalidate anyone’s feelings (including my own). All feelings are completely okay and, I believe, what makes this human life of ours worth living. Honour them.

But we have a hard time talking about the facts, going there, because of the feelings we don’t want to face.

I share the “Then What?” Method so we can see + state the facts and ground back into the truth.

Start noticing what meaning your mind makes of things.

(Hint: It’s typically a lot of bullshit.)

You pick what you want to believe.

I believe we can talk about hard things, do hard things, and progress happens because of hard times. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, and yes, it’s necessary. Now more than ever.

Often we don’t know if something is “good” or “bad” until it plays out.

But if we choose a greater awareness of the facts, deeper compassion for all of our feelings, and larger liberation to be honest with ourselves and others, it will help it and us evolve more consciously at the very least.

And then we’ll see,

Deanne

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