There’s a part of me that’s innately imperfect and fundamentally flawed.
(And don’t you dare try to convince me otherwise. Trust me, I’ve tried.)
My therapist and I have identified that because I was born with a disease that left me with two scars on my stomach for as long as I can remember, it’s made me feel, albeit unconsciously, a) ashamed and then b) unworthy. This part of me that always said I’m not “good enough” has ran my whole life. I first tried to ignore it, then I tried to become enough by being even more successful/nice/thin/etc, and then finally I tried to rewire (aka trick) myself into believing that I was “good enough”.
Now, before you start interrupting, as we all do, and say, “These scars have made you who you are.” “No, you ARE worthy.” “It’ll all be okay.” “#perfectlyimperfect” “You’re lovable because you exist.” and whatever blanket *cough bullshit cough* bandaid statements we say to reassure people when we go there, hear me out.
I am imperfect.
I am flawed.
I am broken.
I am wrong.
I am dark.
I am not good enough.
I am bad.
But the prevailing habit within our society is that as soon as we have any of the above thoughts to yell at the top of our lungs, “NO I’M NOT!” and then push that thought down into the farthest, cobweb-y corner of our mind and then proceed to go out and do everything to prove otherwise.
We must not acknowledge these parts of ourselves, and definitely don’t talk about them, so they become the omnipresent elephant in the farthest, cobweb-y corner of our mind.
Why do we not acknowledge those parts? It’s uncomfortable, of course.
Oh, she’s going there, she’s going there.
It’s why we interrupt with those blanket bandaid statements instead of sitting in that squirmy discomfort and listening.
It’s why we watch movies that inevitably end with good prevailing over evil to try to remind us again how humans are good, damnit. Heck, they can be heroes!
It’s why we click/numb/run away when confronted with things we don’t want to see slash feel.
It’s why we turn to self-help, personal development, even spirituality, to find a way to make that “bad” part of us less loud.
We suppress those parts of ourselves because if we don’t, then we won’t be loved.
But let’s be honest here — it doesn’t change the fact that a part of us still feels bad.
And by doing so… Enter: SHAME.
Shame is the idea that I am wrong. (Different from blame; the idea that I did something wrong.)
It’s painful, hot, humiliating. And so we live your whole lives trying to escape the feeling of shame telling us all along how we aren’t actually good enough, oh and shhhh, you mustn’t let anyone else figure out how bad you actually are…
As a society and individuals, there’s a spectrum of struggle in the middle that makes us feel safe and justified as we continually try to prove ourselves to be finally be good enough.
We’re more afraid of success than failure.
We’re more afraid of happiness than sadness.
We’re more afraid of love than heartbreak.
And yes, the catch is that the former often exposes yourself to the latter…
The bigger the success, the bigger the potential for failure.
The bigger the happiness, the bigger the potential for sadness.
The bigger the love, the bigger the potential for heartbreak.
Too much pain — insert emotional numbing here. But too much pleasure — oh God.
The bigger the having, the bigger the loss…
Why though, Deanne? Why are we so afraid of the good instead of the bad?
Because *motions to the words above* there are those part of us that ARE bad. So subconsciously, because we’re “bad” we don’t deserve “good”. Instead, a part of us unconsciously believes that because we’re bad we deserve bad.
We make ourselves unworthy.
“I don’t actually deserve good things because there’s bad in me,” is the story we secretly whisper to ourselves.
There was a moment after my 11th surgery, after things got pretty dark, that it just clicked.
We have this idea that perfection, flawlessness, goodness, and enoughness is a prerequisite to worthiness. We need to be all those things before we can be worthy. As if we can earn our deserving, our worth.
But if we believe that then we’ve got a huge problem; we’ll never feel worthy.
So instead we’ve decided to try to fix our unworthiness and believe ourselves into being worthy. Because we know now that if we don’t believe we’re worthy of something we’ll either…
a) block ourselves from the having of it
OR
b) sabotage it when we get it.
Cognitive dissonance in fine form, folks.
But I don’t think we can ever actually feel we 100% deserve good things. Because we’re not 100% good.
There’s a part of me that’s beyond helping. I’m innately flawed, imperfect, broken, wrong, bad, etc etc, remember? Scars and all. And if I deem worthiness to be the absence of those traits, then I’ll never be worthy. I’m never going to be good enough. I’m never going to deserve good things.
And then it hit me… Maybe I can be both/and, not either/or?
I maniacally laughed to myself, “You mean I can be imperfect, flawed, broken, wrong, bad, etc etc AND get to have good things?!”
What if we played with the idea of holding two (typically contradictory) beliefs at the same time?
You don’t have to be perfect AND you can still be worthy.
They didn’t teach us that in school.
The story we’re taught in school (and home and everywhere) is that we have to be “good” to receive “good” things in life. So we’re all trying to *be* worthy, do more, and finally become enough, as if we’ll finally be able to deserve good things.
It’s damaging.
It results in growing silent shame that feeds our insecurities and keeps us trapped and powerless, but business booming.
The truth: I don’t think we’ll ever be able to earn, prove, merit what we want.
There are things you can’t ever possibly deserve (or do enough or be good enough or be healed enough or be positive enough) to receive. Like love, but also success/money/health.
But can I still be fucked up, fuck up, learn, love, and be loved, on repeat in any particular order? Um, yep. That I can do.
As humans, we’re both good and bad.
The problem begins when we push away the bad and pretend we’re only good in order to become *insert epic god-like music as you sing the next word* worthy.
So while we’d like to believe that we can just rewire ourselves with enough affirmations to deserve good things, love ourselves, and never self-sabotage as quickly as L’Oreal can say, “Because you’re worth it.” — I don’t think that’s possible.
I’m here to instead say you’re not enough, you are a bad person, you can’t possibly love yourself perfectly, be fully healed, and you better believe that you’re not worthy.
(And by all means, I won’t be offended if you stop reading now. If this is too uncomfortable simply click back to those instagram posts that make you feel superficially warm and fuzzy instead if you’re not ready to hear this truth yet.)
Damnit Deanne. So where DOES that leave us?
Good question, Interwebs, good question.
Not with a simplistic “if this then that”, “either/or” answer.
First, let’s at least acknowledge the “bad” parts of us we all want to skip over to get to the good stuff.
“Feel your feelings,” they said. “It’ll be good,” they said.
I know it’s uncomfortable and you better believe we’d all rather order something on Amazon prime while drinking a glass of wine and scroll through instagram with a Netflix binge in the background instead, but if you don’t own your unconscious then it owns you.
(Carl Jung may have said it better, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”)
Because right now our unconscious sits on a throne of swirling darkness and runs our lives, magnetizing us to shitty situations again and again, and perpetually repeating patterns that we vow to never do again every time it happens.
But if we schedule a meeting with that unconscious, give our shadows space to speak their piece, and hear what they have to say?
They no longer have to scream at us to listen.
We cut the cords of the puppet strings they’re pulling that are attached to our arms and legs and mouths.
And it leaves us whole, free, and powerful.
The self-help dream, am I right? So just feel ‘em.
Set a timer for 3-10 minutes and let yourself roll around in the sensations you “shouldn’t” want or feel. Give shame space, attention, approval. Revel in those dark desires. Speak the truth – first to yourself and then to others. Allow what’s buried to surface. Get curious, without judgment or stories. Get to know all parts of yourself. Pay attention to what fills and drains your energy. Listen to the stories you tell yourself and the patterns that keep repeating.
See your shame.
Because right now the story that shame tells us is that we’re not okay, we’re not enough, we’re not lovable. So receiving all those good things (like love, success, money, health) threatens the belief that we’re unworthy… but… in fact… deserve good things? Impossible! We’re bad. It’s only a matter of time before they figure that out. So we hide, disconnected, sabotage, “run as fast as we can” from the good before we are seen for who we truly are…
Shame perpetuates and fuels the way things have been, are, and will continue to be unless we start to tell a different story about those parts of ourselves.
(Now, I’m not saying we wrong shame. Because we’re starting to do that and now we’re wronging ourselves for feeling wrong about feeling wrong… I KNOW. Just as you might be buying into the story that those clothes, that diet, that car, that partner will be the answer to all of your problems and finally fill that lacking with you, the new self-help and personal development world is just as equally preying on your insecurities telling you with inspirational instagram posts that you still need to improve, better yourself, “heal” all your childhood wounds, solve all your self-love issues, and think “more positively” before you can be loved, rich, healthy. It’s a next-level perpetuating cycle, and a (likely controversial) post for another day.)
Why don’t we instead simply stop pretending that our bad, our shame, our unworthiness doesn’t exist?
Forget being the light.
We’re all not enough, negative, dark, and fucked up.
We’re all bad.
I’m saying we own shame.
I’m saying we declare our unworthiness.
Because if we accept that we’re unworthy, then as a good ol’ paradox goes, by not trying to be worthy it means we’re simply worthy?
What if, and you might want to sit down for this radical idea, we didn’t need to fix our wrongness, heal our brokenness, or try to lighten our darkness?
What if we can be bad AND still worthy?
How, you ask now? I believe we learn how in the having of what we believe we don’t deserve. (Read that again.)
Let yourself be wildly loved, have the body and health you want, receive all of the moneys, and enjoy all of the nice things… then see how you respond. And then if it’s anything other than “I deserve this goodness” try saying, “FT*. I’m bad AND can still have good.”
Note: Not that I’m absolving you of your responsibility to be a good person, own your shit, and get better. But I do want to absolve you of the overwhelming guilt you have so you stop self-sabotaging yourself whenever things get too good because you have the story that says you don’t deserve it.
Because you don’t deserve it. You’re a bad person. And you actually are not worthy.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have what you want.
You’re welcome.
*Fuck that.
Deanne Vincent
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