You like pain because you think you deserve it.
We’re in an epidemic as humans as we overwhelmingly don’t feel like enough, feel bad/guilty/wrong, and feel unworthy.
“I’m not worthy, therefore I am,” is more like it these days.
It’s why personal development, therapy and coaching, and the self-help industry is a-booming! We’re trying to fix our wrongness so we can then stop blocking and sabotaging ourselves from having “good”.
But trying to be good and therefore worthy is a losing game. Trust me, I’ve played it. Continually trying to fix your “badness” just shames your “bad” even more, which further exacerbates your “badness” and perpetuates your feelings of unworthiness. It’s a classic game of when x happens then y happens — but it’s like, if my memory of high school math is correct, an asymptotic curve.
An asymptotic curve where x = being good enough, and y = being worthy of good. Increasing your “good” decreases the distance to being “worthy of good”, getting continually closer but never touching, until infinity.
Nuh-uh. Not happening. Cannot win.
Here’s my (likely controversial) opinion: As humans there’s a part of us that will always feel broken, wrong, guilty, taboo, unworthy… there’s a part of us that will always be “bad”. (Yes, always.)
Why? Because it’s human nature to have both the dark and light within us. It’s part of our very humanity.
Psychology has come to recognize that there is a shadow side to all of us, aka “the unknown dark side of the personality that is instinctive and irrational,” according to Carl Jung. Humans have a habit and pattern of taking unconscious pleasure in “bad”. Freud called it “psychic masochism”.
Now, there’s a common realization going around acknowledging that us silly, silly humans are more afraid of success than we are of failure, more afraid of love than we are of heartbreak, more afraid of happiness than we are of sadness… because who would we then be if we were successful and had all of the things (#identitycrisis)? How would we outgrow the role given to us that keeps everyone comfortable and makes us feel safe? Then we’d have to be worthy of everything we received?! And then we’d have even more to lose?!?!
We like to earn good things (within a safe amount, mind you) not only because we “should”, but because it’s a subconscious attempt to prove our merit, value, and worth to society.
But I think there’s a deeper truth going on…
There’s a part of us that actually desires pain, suffering, and “bad” things.
Before you get defensive, up in arms with a, “NO” as we often do when confronted with uncomfortable truth and click away from my website — let me talk about how *I* do it.
Alright, I totally understand if you want to click away now.
There’s a part of me that enjoys the sad, the melancholic, the disappointment. I’m not an ignorance-is-bliss-kind-of-happy-go-lucky-person intuitively. I feel too much, know too much, and am too damn realistic about the world we live in and the experiences I’ve had to simply be “happy”. I Adele my way through life; rolling in the deep, baby. And I’m done with fighting my nature.
We all like to think we want good things. We all, welllllll most of us, try to be nice people who do the right thing after growing up where we were taught to be a “good” boy or girl. We all know what we “should” want and “should” do. …but then why do we struggle with letting ourselves receive lots of money, be wildly loved, have raging success, and do + have what we actually want?!
Because there’s a part in all of us that feels guilty, wrong, broken, not enough, unworthy, “bad”.
Basically… we’re all a little fucked up.
So simply put, we don’t believe we deserve good things.
You: Wait wait wait, Deanne. THAT’S fucked up.
Me: Oh, I know! But here’s the worst part… The “good” part of us that judges the “bad” part of ourselves for being fucked up is what’s actually fucked up and keeping us fucking up. That shame we feel and blame we put on ourselves is exactly why we suppress those parts of ourselves — which makes that dark side of ourselves unconscious. But it can only stay unconscious for so long… dun dun dun.
Hold on, I’m getting both melodramatic and ahead of myself, let me explain.
We desire and like pain. We desire and like pain because we think we deserve it.
The reason we don’t talk about this is because being honest about the fact that “I actually *want* to be poor, unloved, and unhealthy?!” threatens the parts that we make unconscious to be conscious and destroy the very identity we’ve constructed for ourselves.
We “shouldn’t” want bad things. Enter: judgement. We shame and blame ourselves and it feeds that swirling dark side of ourselves.
Take me again, for example. I was born with something called Hirschsprung’s Disease that meant I’ve had scars on my stomach for as long as I can remember.
You better believe that there’s a part of me that feels broken, wrong, unworthy… and for so long I’ve tried to be good, do enough, and rewire that part of me.
“I’m innately broken, flawed, and imperfect,” this part of me says. “I’m BAD.”
And because I’m bad I don’t deserve good, is how the story goes.
What keeps us stuck in this story is that as a society we assign good with a moral meaning. Good doesn’t simply mean beneficial, which is what the Greek word for “good” (agathon) is supposed to mean, instead good is linked with virtue. And conversely, bad then means immoral, sinful, wrong, “failing to conform to standards of moral virtue or acceptable conduct” as good ol’ Google says.
We don’t want to acknowledge that there are some pretty damn dark sides to human nature.
So since society doesn’t approve of this dark side (we don’t really want all humans running around free to be heathens, right?) parents teach children to be “good”. Children then learn that there are parts of themselves; the “good”, that receives love while the other parts; and the “bad, that receives punishment. So we grow up and suppress the parts we “shouldn’t” be in order to be accepted slash loved. And because we’ve learned that “good” is synonymous with morality, in order to be worthy of “good” in our life we have to merit said “good” and be a “good” person.
(Man, I’m so glad I’m not reading this out loud — my fingers would cramp all the air quotes I would have to do.)
That’s why there’s a nagging sense of guilt that comes along when we receive any “good”.
No? Just me?
Good doesn’t feel right because we’re not all “good”. “I don’t deserve it,” says the story. Hence, why we want “bad”.
The part of me that desires pain, suffering, and “bad” feels that receiving said pain, suffering, and “bad” serves a purpose; it makes that buried “bad” side of me finally feel acknowledged, seen, and heard. And that’s all it wants! Validation.
If us deserving “good” is dependent on our lack of “bad” then we’ll never fully deserve “good”. For example, if me deserving good and therefore letting myself have good is dependent on me not having scars then I’ll never be able to let myself have anything good.
These parts of us are unchangeable. But they’re not unacceptable.
These “bad” parts of ourselves that we’ve buried are becoming more and more visible on the surface, both on an individual level and as a society, so I figure it’s time to finally acknowledge them and give those parts validation.
Why is this actually not so scary? We think that having a “bad” side makes us “bad”. But I think it’s not that simple.
This limited, simplistic view of “good” equally meaning and earning “good” keeps us feeling both ashamed and guilty.
I mean, let’s be honest here, folks. Just because we all have “good” in us doesn’t mean we’re all “good” either. Humans are clearly not 100% good as per the above moral definition of the word despite the fact that that’s the only part of us we want to acknowledge nowadays.
Can we stop pretending that we don’t primally want certain things and let ourselves be free to choose what we want?
Can we take away the moral meaning from “good” and “bad” so we stop repressing our deepest, darkest desires and denydenydeny-ing ourselves?
Can we just accept the fact that we *might* want sex in a way other than missionary, oodles of money and that status symbol of a car, recognition by strangers on the street from social media fame?
If we own these weird, dark, taboo, “shouldn’t” desires and acknowledge those “bad” parts of us, it changes the game. Yes, it’s scary that we could want those things. Yes, it’s uncomfortable being honest with ourselves in this way. But… it’s totally normal.
Earth-shattering conclusion, I know.
What we’re trying to do is be “good”, do enough, and fix that part of us, but that’s exactly what’s keeping us stuck. When we don’t acknowledge these “bad” parts and dark desires within ourselves then we’re left feeling conflicted both with what we want and as a person. And then we end up again and again with the stuff that we don’t want, but subconsciously take a masochistic delight in them because it validates our conflicted “bad” parts.
If we instead acknowledge and accept the parts of ourselves that want and are “bad”, then those parts of ourselves no longer have any secret power running around behind the scenes blocking and sabotaging ourselves.
I believe the truth to “becoming whole” in self help-y terms that love and light doesn’t want to look at is uniting both the dark and light side in us.
We don’t need to change these big, subconscious parts of ourselves that run our lives. We just have to not keep them a secret anymore. Tell ourselves the truth. Only then are we free to choose where to go… and potentially let ourselves have good without feeling guilty.
But I’ve (again, perhaps controversially) gone a step further… I’ve decided that I AM undeserving of good.
There are parts of me that are nasty, jealous, angry, greedy, attention-seeking, insecure, etc, and I can’t change them. There are those parts within all of us. I hate to break it to you, but that means you too, *insert your name here*.
If being worthy is dependent on being morally and perfectly “good” then I’m never going to be 100% worthy of such pleasure, love, and abundance that I’ve felt, and am going to feel more of, in my life.
Hello, Shadow Side. So nice to meet you finally.
I’m done with denying these parts of myself exist and pretending as though love and light is the only way for this earth to spin on it’s axis.
For a while I used to be so afraid of thinking certain thoughts after being fed the law of attraction, that I would try to censor my desires, scared that I’d think a thought and then *POOF* it would happen. But instead now I let myself revel in the delicious desires I used to suppress because I “shouldn’t”. Like wild thoughts about that guy, indulging in my body’s worst fears/best dreams, soaking in ideas of failure, revelling in possible rejection from the opposite sex because of my body, watching porn categories other than “romantic” or “couples” (let’s not even pretend we don’t watch porn here), diving into what might happen if I can’t actually have kids, etc. Like full-on daydream, diving into the sensation, allowing myself to want; hugely and boldly, without shame or judgment. And god, does it feel good.
It’s liberating to let yourself feel without judgment, allow with approval, and want what you want without judgment, blame, or shame so you can have without guilt. Even in the inappropriate, the “shouldn’t”. Only by bringing the subconscious to the surface does it mean we see the whole story and can then choose what we want.
It’s time we attach a new meaning to “good” and “bad” as humans since we have both.
Both “bad” and “good” are desired on some level, more linked than we know (just think of BDSM; there’s a fine line between pain and pleasure), and powerful.
I’m broken, fucked up, imperfect, wrong, and parts of me always will be. But does that mean I’m unworthy of “good”?
Herein lies the trick… can we hold the two contradictory beliefs as possible?
I may never feel like I deserve Him and his love — but can I let myself be imperfectly me and mess up AND be loved? Instead of once I’ve fully healed all of my childhood wounds and know everything there is to know about relationships THEN I’ll be with my perfect person.
I may never know enough to not make a mistake in what I do online and never live up to you meeting me in person — but can I still let myself share what I’ve thought about and speak my truth AND learn? Instead of once I know everything, read all the books, and learned all the theories, THEN I’ll start showing up and sharing my writing.
I may always feel like I’ve never earned making money easily for what I’m naturally good at — but can I let myself feel like an imposter AND make bank? Instead of once I have all of the degrees and become an expert only THEN will I provide enough value and thus feel okay about making money.
I may always feel like I deserve bad things because I’m “bad” — but can I let myself have “bad” parts AND have good in my life? Instead of never having “bad” thoughts, being perfectly high vibe all the time, only expressing approved emotions and THEN I’ll be able to deserve “good” things.
We may not deserve good things, but it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve them either.
Let’s change the belief that we have to be “good” 100% of the time and/or only emote certain expressions in order to be a “good” person… and ergo, deserving and worthy of good.
We’re human. All parts of us, all of us. Our struggles, our flaws, we’re not worthy, AND we can have whatever “good” or “bad” we want.
Our true desires are often a lot; vulnerable, tender, “too much” to realize and hold, REAL, scary to admit, scarier to have… Just thinking of them evokes a sensation in your body that’s powerful and often “too much” for us. And then not getting them?! Getting them?! We don’t know which is worse so it’s a heck of a lot easier to ignore our big desires, suppress our power, and settle for surface-level substitutes and live the “should” life than be honest with ourselves about who we are and expand our capacity for both pleasure and pain.
At the end of the day it’s sensation you’re craving when you keep getting “bad”. And one might be more familiar and comfortable to you than the other. The morose, the melancholic, the mediocre existence. You don’t want it, but OH how you do. Intense and addictive. The drama, the dynamic, the hot back-and-forth tension of wanting but then denying. This pain is a powerful feeling, so similar to pleasure. It feels right because I’m wrong. “I deserve this bad.” It knows the truth about you.
Sweet, sweet relief.
All good, my friend. ME TOO.
Mastery level human-ing is holding the capacity to be honest with yourself, feel and acknowledge contradictory beliefs, revel in the all-consuming “good” and “bad” sensations — regardless of whether they happen, regardless of whether or not we deserve them, regardless of whether or not they’re “good” or “bad”.
We all have wholeness within us; good and bad, light and dark, should and shouldn’t desires. Believing that those parts of us are wrong is wronging our nature and it keeps our dark side subconscious, running the show. By making the unconscious conscious, instead of suppressing it, it means we’re liberated for real change to happen and we can intentionally choose what we want.
The most powerful people recognize their “bad” parts and don’t pretend to be anyone other than who they are, but also allow themselves to be/do/have whatever they want without judgment, instead of trying to be “good” and therefore worthy.
Now, I’m not saying go run around like some selfish, narcissistic, short-sighted, nihilistic asshole. Because if we truly own those parts of ourselves, I don’t think that would happen. I think people would actually be a heck of a lot nicer, understanding, and loving of other people once they’re free to be themselves and let others be who they are too.
So all this is to say; go, be (free).
Join my email club.
It includes irregularly sent emails about living deeper and actually enjoying life.
Plus, GIFs.