I want to feel big.

Free, whole, full, wild, sure, independent, confident, sexy, sensual, passionate, loud, peace, ease, flow, calm, beautiful, oozing, true, trust.

NOT needy, quiet, complacent, powerless, constricted, tucked in, toned down, kept in, proper, selfless, judgement, shameful, “should” and “shouldn’t”, unsafe, insecure, constrained.

I want my being to be an embodied permission slip.

But what I want is small.

A clean, little, simple house. Lagom. Lots of windows, fresh air, sun, plants in hidden places. Minimalist in decor, but maximalist in hygge. A fireplace that warms our cuddles and sizzles to the steam of our sex.

Slow mornings with foamy matcha lattes and the smell of his coffee.

Wild, fierce love from a gentle, tender man. Laughter that bubbles up from our banter. A curious heart that stays and stays and stays. A connection that opens me up and inspires me just as much as it does him.

Meditation in the morning, in bed.

Writing in a coffee shop. (Oh, the quarantine dream!)

Slow walks outdoors.

Honest and merrymaking encounters in my office space, over dinner, dancing, with drinks.

Yoga at night, with candles.

A business that’s personal, deep, meaningful. Writing and conversations with humans about the stuff that really matters. Thorough sincerity, radical honesty, secrets shared, desires declared, utter okayness and liberation that’s more than one-way. Intimately sharing and connecting, growing and evolving. Not niched, not boring, but fun.

Space, seriousness, and quiet time AND sarcasm, lightheartedness, and gaiety.

Languid afternoons basking in my favourite light and time of day that lead into easy evenings.

Wine before dinner. Food that makes me feel alive. Delicious dinners made for me and I do the dishes. Holding and kissing me from behind with my hands in the soapy water, that I can’t help but lean back and into, always.

Exploring paradoxes.

Think about life, write about life, and talk about life because I’m living fully.

Oh, and love love love.

I want simple. And I simply want.

But it never seems that simple, does it?

Choosing dinner.

Because once you hear what you want, you can’t unhear it.

And if you declare what you want you have to value the calling of the cells in your body over what other people will think, what you “should” do, and what makes rational sense.

You risk others acceptance so you don’t abandon yourself. And we’re taught to do the opposite.

That’s why, no matter how big or small what you want is, you need to feel big.

Because if you let yourself want, you have to let yourself be worthy… without guilt, explanation, or apologies to make others comfortable.

That’s where “the work” comes in.

But what I want you to know before anything else is that your wanting is not bad. No matter what it is.

It doesn’t make you a bad person. To hunger is to be human.

It’s not immoral, wrong, corrupt, disgraceful, shameful, sinful. You’re not wicked.

You’re still and always loveable.

Indulgence and pleasure are not illegal.

There’s nothing wrong with good and bad (only the judgment and stories of both). 

You can be grateful AND ache for more.

The story of Eve eating the apple from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eve is a moral lesson. …just not in the way we’ve since shamed ourselves for wanting.

Yes, the world will no longer be the same if we hunger, desire, and claim what we want.

The way the world as it is now doesn’t want you to want because that’ll change it. Our wanting is dangerous to the way the world is now.

Because if you were to declare and claim what you really want it means you no longer feel shame, small, or powerless, no longer buy into what they want you to want, and that would threaten the status quo and change the balance of powers.

Broken relationships, corrupt institutions, unjust governments would inevitably fall. And be rebuilt with truth, justice, righteous power, grace, wisdom, deep listening, empathy, connection and collaboration.

Anything that isn’t true and beautiful could not keep existing if we claimed our deepest desires with all our smarts and sensitivity as big-hearted humans.

If we let ourselves hunger it means we let ourselves feel when we aren’t satiated and when we’re restless.

If we let ourselves ache, we let ourselves anger, and we will not let ourselves settle until we are truly full.

If we let ourselves want, without shame or “sorry’s”, and believe we’re worthy of it, we will change the world just by the way we be in it.

What I’ve learned after talking with hundreds of humans is that our wanting is simple, real, and achingly beautiful.

Give yourself permission to feel what you want, feel where you’re settling, too small, or “should-ing” yourself. Let yourself feel dissatisfied and uncomfortable. Because it’s the only way you’re, and we’re, ever going to feel full.

If we let ourselves want, it hurts, and it heals.

You are worthy, your desires are disruptive, and it is only by your wanting that we create a more liberated, true, beautiful world with less judgment, “should’s”, and one way of living.

Because in order to have what you want you need to be aware of yourself and the way of the world. You need to know yourself, your patterns, and the bigger picture. It’s a revolution.

Be honest about your hunger, otherwise you’ll never feel full.

Let the truth live outside of your body.

There is no such thing as one-way liberation.

Repeat after me: “It wasn’t always this way, and my soul remembers this, but in this time-space reality, it finally is.”

Try playing with answering, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…?” as many times as you want.

Pun intended.

Worthy, wanting, and already whole,
and you are too,

Deanne